Clean Jokes

[EW]Yuri wrote:

[EW]Grundy wrote:

Wow, SWG, where did you put that Lego Star Destroyer of yours

I agree with everything you said, except for the fact that I HATE Macs

This is for Mollie,

SWG wrote:

This is for Mollie,

I'm supprised it's not broken yet.

SWG wrote:

This is for Mollie,

Are those bullet holes in the keyboard? O.o

The stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too?”

^^ I know there was a pic like this in the old Gametracker forums, I just found this one and had to post it.

Yes, I know I'm posting a heck of alot in the jokes topics.

Pretty soon all of www.VeryDemotivational.com will be in here

SWG wrote:

Yep, that flamethrower guy is Thomas. all right...... And sadly, I'm useually the guy on the bazooka.
Love ya tom, ya friggin' TKER!!!

DIVORCE AGREEMENT



Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.... I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.


We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).


We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .


You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.


We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.


Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you can answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American


P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

MajorNut wrote:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

Yeah, sure. When people like this say they want their country back, what they really mean is they want the Confederate States of America back.

I also wonder if anyone else noticed the irony in that he wants to keep the battle hymn of the republic? It was the anthem of the Union, played when going to battle against the Confederacy. A nation of racism, oppression, degradation, backwardness, an ignorance of technology and a fixation on outdated culture and way of life, a fear of the Unknown induced because of a lack of education and ignorance towards the the rest of the world. That's what he wants to bring back, but he wants to keep the battle hymn that was played when going against that very type of nation. He wants to waste hundreds of thousands of American lives, and a hundred and fifty years of social/economic/political progress just to prove a point. This shouldn't be posted in the Jokes section, this should be posted in the "Really scary stuff" If that's not scary enough, then imagine there are people like him out there voting to bring back the dark ages. Very Scary.

Btw- what's wrong with social progress? no one can give a decent reason, but everyone is ready to say it's wrong. ironic. Very ironic.

Knock Knock,

WHo's There?

Social Progr---

*Shot Gun Boom*

Now that one I did make myself, picture is obsidian btw.

Lol.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ng6f1rOz-_E&feature=related&safe_search=on

Oh yeah...

ComradeStalin wrote:

MajorNut wrote:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

Yeah, sure. When people like this say they want their country back, what they really mean is they want the Confederate States of America back.

I also wonder if anyone else noticed the irony in that he wants to keep the battle hymn of the republic? It was the anthem of the Union, played when going to battle against the Confederacy. A nation of racism, oppression, degradation, backwardness, an ignorance of technology and a fixation on outdated culture and way of life, a fear of the Unknown induced because of a lack of education and ignorance towards the the rest of the world. That's what he wants to bring back, but he wants to keep the battle hymn that was played when going against that very type of nation. He wants to waste hundreds of thousands of American lives, and a hundred and fifty years of social/economic/political progress just to prove a point. This shouldn't be posted in the Jokes section, this should be posted in the "Really scary stuff" If that's not scary enough, then imagine there are people like him out there voting to bring back the dark ages. Very Scary.

Btw- what's wrong with social progress? no one can give a decent reason, but everyone is ready to say it's wrong. ironic. Very ironic.

Knock Knock,

WHo's There?

Social Progr---

*Shot Gun Boom*

In all seriousness you really need to learn something about the south and the reasons why they seceded from the union. I know we have had discussions on this topic in the past and they are not for the "jokes" section, but I am not going to tolerate slander on my people, and where I come from in any thread. I had alot of family die fighting in the southern armies across americia. They were not racist, or any of the other things that you accused them of being. The reasons they fought against the union had to do with alot of the very same things that you accused the south of being... Also if you think that the south fought to keep their slaves, think again. None of my family (Which is alot) fought without ever owning a slave... One more thing to think about, the victors always write the history books...

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

I think we know which little guy was MajorNut... J/K nut, please don't pwn me anymore!

this one's for SWG and all star wars fans

a few days ago on may 4th it was star wars day. now what is a famous line from star wars? answer:"May the force be with you"

now the punch line:"may the 4th be with you!" is what you would say if it was may 4th!