Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)

for those old perverts we have to put up with

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted

Heres a little dirty joke for you

Another 1

Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from Z to A.....wait...*$@&!!

A man boards an airplane for a trip and as he sits down, he sees the man beside him has a black eye. This amuses him as he has a black eye also. They look at each other and laugh. The first man finally asks, "How did you get that shiner?" The second man replies, "Well, it was a tongue twister. I was at the counter
buying my ticket this morning and the girl behind the counter had the most gorgeous boobs I have ever seen. I looked at her and meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburgh
, but I actually asked for a picket to Titsburgh. She got pissed off and smacked me one right in the eye." After a good laugh, the second man asked the first, "So tell me your tale, how did you get your shiner?" The second man replied, "Same way, a tongue twister. This morning I was at the breakfast table and meant to ask my wife to pour me a bowl of cornflakes, but I actually said, You ruined my life you stupid bitch."

Whats the difference between a woman and a toilet? A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load in it.

A guy shows up at the bar after church to have the usual couple beers with his buddies. He has two black eyes. His buddies all ask "What the hell happened to you?" He says "While I was at church this morning, there was a fat lady in the pew in front of me. When she stood up her dress was stuck in the crack of her ass. So, being the gentleman that I am, I gently reached up and pulled it out for her. She turned around and smacked me in the eye!

"How did you get the second one?" his buddies ask.

Well, since she was so pissed, I thought that's where she wanted her dress so the next time we stood up, I tucked it back in!

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

Omg. LOL

Kid is runnin around house lookin for his Dad. Finally walks thru the bedroom door and catches him doin the nasty with Mom. Dad starts laughin and says "run along Junior, I'll be out in a bit".

Old man finishes up and goes out to find the kid. Can't find him anywhere. Finally goes to look in the kids room. Opens the door and there is Junior on top of Gramma goin at it.

Old man yells "Junior!! What in the hell are you doing??!!

Junior says: "Not so funny when it's your Mom is it!"

A professor at the University of Michigan was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

Why did the condom fly across the room?
It got pissed off!

Hey Grundy,
That Joke just above yours wasn't originally the U of Michigan. I changed it in your honor!!!

One of these things is not like the others

Egg

Woman

Blowjob

You can beat an egg

You can beat a woman

Bot you just cant beat a blowjob!

Whats the difference between jam and jello?




you cant jello your dick down a womans throat

So this 1 guy goes to the store every day on and on buying condoms he always laughs when he left the store
1 day the married boss of the store asks his employee to follow the guy...
The employee came back and the boss asked where he went?
The employee said...to your house..

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store..
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."
Seniors don't mess around

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family
doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a
virgin. His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use
three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity
Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a
small can of blue paint and a shovel." Paddy
asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things,
doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on
your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and
the other ball blue. If she says,
"That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did
see...", you hit her with the
shovel.'

LOL, nice one NUT!!

I don't claim fame to this one, it was in my e-mail from a co-worker, but worth the post. Classic bait-n-switch type of joke.

"One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss
them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it it deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out
the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their doughter's date said he could
get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped
and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to
see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says 'do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me
slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's two gorgeous
19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.

The girls ask 'hey Mick, what're doin here?

He says 'your dads sent me up here to shag the both of ya ' .

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the
point of fuckin one?'

Free 42" lcd tv

Read the product description