Clean Jokes

for all ages and genders!

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

1#
I had some friends once but they keep leaving me........hey?......You there?


2#
You know what really pisses me off? People who point at their wrist when asking for the time. Yeah, buddy, I know where my watch is. Where the %*#@ is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask for the bathroom?

3#
1.i had a dream last night :/
in my dream, everyone hated me.
2.it wasnt a dream

4#
-you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
-how do i do that?

This is So funny you just need to watch it!
Bad Language!

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I’ve been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."

The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?" "That's my business! Get me the form!"

Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Democrat".

I download something from Napster
And the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when I'm done
I message him and say "What are you doing? I just got that from you" "getting my song back fucker"

- I wonder who the joker is that is sending me such a huge e-male
-an e-male? can I get an e-female anywhere? preferrably not huge

- jesus christ man my son is sooooooo dead
-Why?
-hes been looking at internet web sites in fucking EUROPE
-HE IS SURFING LONG DISTANCE
-our fucking phone bill is gonna be nuts
-Ooh, this is bad. Surfing long distance adds an extra $69.99 to your bill per hour.
- ...!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK
-is there some plan we can sign up for???
-cuz theres some cool stuff in europe, but i dun wanna pauy that much
-Sorry, no. There is no plan. you'll have to live with it.
-o well, i can live without europe intenet sites.
-but till i figure out how to block it hes sooooo dead
-By the way, I'm from Europe, your chatting long distance.
** user has quit (Connection reset by peer)

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "excuse me but do you have problems with crap sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says "no." so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

The movie is KOPPS, it's an older movie. I'll try to find it and put a link up to it. Looks hilariously stupid!!

> A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
> surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
>
> pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
>
> chest.
>
> After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
>
> sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
>
> passed away."
>
> The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
> "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
> vet..
>
> "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
>
> you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
>
> He might just be in a coma or something."
>
> The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
> room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
>
> Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
>
> in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
>
> front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
>
> duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
>
> vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
>
> The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
>
> of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
>
> a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
>
> sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
>
> on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
>
> strolled out of the room.
>
> The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
>
> but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
>
> a dead duck."
>
> The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
> and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
> The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
>
> she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The
>
> vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
>
> word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
>
> Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Why does a bicycle need a kickstand to stand up?


















Because it's two tired!!

a man goes to the CIA one day for a job interview. during the interview the interviewer says "Take this gun and

go

into the next room and kill your wife."The man then says "No I wont do it."The next day another man is being

interviewed and the interviewer again says "Take this gun and go into the next room and kill your wife."The man

says "NO i wont do it." And The next day another man is being interviewed and the interviewer says "Take this

gun and go into the next room and kill your wife." The man says "ok. Ill do it."the man leaves the room and goes

into the next room and then "BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!" the interviewer hears gunshots and then the sound of

furniture being thrown around. the man then reenters the interview room and the interviewer says "what the

hell happened in there?"the man responds"the gun had blanks in it so i had to strangle her."

/

COMING SOON...