Dirty Jokes (18 and over!)

Please, read first the introduction in the Basque Joke at Clean Jokes

Patxi is going for a stroll by the streets of Bilbao when he meets with a friend:

- Hi Josu! From where you come?
- Hi Patxi! I come from the hospital, I've had a phimosis operation.
- Phimosis operation? What is it?
- Well, the surgeon cuts a piece of skin that covers the glans, in order to facilitate the penis erection.
- I understand. By curiosity, What is done with the piece of skin?
- Oh, I believe that normally it is thrown away; but I've made this leather jacket with mine!!!!

Some knights are in a castle, a lot boring while waiting for the next Crusade.

At one pont, one proposed a contest as a past-time:

- What about a Macho test? We have to enter in a forest of the mounts around, to kill a bear, back here and rape a maid. That who do it in less time, wins.

All the knights agree and the contest starts.

Sir Archibald goes to the forest, back with the bear fur and rapes the maid in four hours.

Sir Arthur goes to the forest, back with the bear fur and rapes the maid in two hours.

Sir Charles goes to the forest, back with the bear fur and rapes the maid in one hr, thirtyeight min.

Sir Robin goes to the forest.... and the time passed until the night without signs of him. With the new day the knights wait for him, but there isn't any sign yet.

Finally, with the dawn of the second day the knights watch a man down the hill, with all his clothes torn, covered by the blood flowing from his wounds....

Hardly standing on his legs, he shouts: Well, where is the maid I've to kill?

this one i made myself its a joke/poem about BE! BE is not 4 me, because w****y is a pussy!!!!!!!

I agree with u he s***.

Pvt.David Webster wrote:

this one i made myself its a joke/poem about BE! BE is not 4 me, because w****y is a pussy!!!!!!!

Im sorry but i gotta say something david u just came in the clan not evan a week when this was posted so until u know the guy dont post shit u know nothen about.

He just left BE? fail...

If you fart and burp hard enough at the same time could you create a vacuum inside yourself and implode?

They say diarrhea is a hereditary issue...It runs in your genes!

A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.

The Devil says to him "Hey Vinny we've been waitin' for ya!".

Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says "I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?" Vinny answers "Ya, I love to smoke." The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything."

"Now do you like to drink?" Then Vinny says "Of course I love to drink." The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great."

"Do you like to have sex?" Vinny says "Hell ya sex is the best." The Devil smiles and replies "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wednesdays."

And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" Vinny frowns and answers "NO I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Your gonna hate Thursdays."

I think the people above me are having sex......either that or they're sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot.

There were 3 gay men and their partners all died at around the same time. On their way to the morgue, the guy who worked there asked them where they want to spread their partners ashes. The first gay guy says, "I want to spread his ashes over the ocean because he loved to swim!" The second gay guy says, "I want to spread his ashes on a mountain because he loved to climb." And then the third gay guy says, "I want to spread him all over my chili, and the guy who worked at the morgue asked, "WHY?" and he said," So he can tear my ass up one more time."

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.
"The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again." What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night."

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[EW]Grundy wrote:

Should this be included on the clan application?

Yes I think that will do nicely

Oh gawd, yes it should Grundy.

100% Definitely...

...AND MY NAME IS THE LORD....

ORLY? Mine too!